Big Mama Confessional: No. 3 🏳️‍🌈

A Queer Experience from a Black, Unorthodox Mama.

So before Black Pride Month ends, I promised a depiction of My Queer Experience thus far but where tf do I start, I don’t where to begin 🎶.

Okay so it’s 2007, I am on my fat back computer minding my business and lesbian porn popups begins to take over my screen. My first reaction was to rush and delete everything before I got in trouble but then I realized, I was home alone. 😈

So, I calmed my nerves and decided to press one…

Bitch, I went down a rabbit hole to a world that felt familiar, even though I had never done anything remotely similar, besides mastrubating a couple times but watching it?! HELL NAHH! 😂 The sensations I felt within my body and in my pants as I watched two women be intimate, just felt right…

I mean I’ve always had this unexplainable feeling for women but I never explored the thought pass an “Oh she’s gorgeous; I’d kiss her.” 🙈🤣 Nevertheless, from that day on, if I had the house to myself, which was frequent, I was on that computer exploring all things lesbian while allowing my mind and fingers to follow their own rhythm. My spirit felt comfortable and the more comfortable I got with who I was, the more I began interacting with women in the real world too.

Let’s be clear, this wasn’t just some computer fantasy, this was my secret, primary feelings coming out to be seen and felt for the first time. For the longest, dick used to disgust and scare me so bad. 😆 I always looked at males as friends, predators or enemies. Idk, if it was my fucked up relationship with my father, the other males I watched hurt my mother or predatory nature of the males around me, including relatives and their old dirty ass friends. I truly hated them and was not afraid to let it be known.

I constantly “scared away” strange men from my mother in public. I used to fight boys in school, on a consistent basis, for touching me without permission. I protected all my friends from the tomfoolery of male nature…a pitbull by nature because my parents didn’t play that soft shit. lol

People always called me, “Tomboy” ,“Little Boy”, “Boy in a Dress”…sometimes even, “Baby Dike” because I dressed like a boy, I acted like one and if you saw me with one, romantically, they were my best friend that turned into a lil boyfriend after while. 🤣 It wasn’t until 9th grade, when I started hearing that I needed to wear more skirts, dresses and purses. I kept hearing, “you’re a girl, you shouldn’t wear or do that” or “how are you gonna get a date looking or being like this” and that shit started to get to me a little because I’m like…

“Was I doing something wrong for being all of me?!”

And as much as I heard it, I must’ve been…so I gave in and became more “girly”. I started getting my hair done regularly, nails became a things, less sneakers and more makeup…Of course, the transformation got a “good responses” from everywhere. I became a model. I begin getting more attention from males, getting asked on more dates, more little boyfriends…and that was the validation would want and this is what I’m supposed to do…

Right?!

By tenth grade, I moved from Largo HS to Gwynn Park HS and I looked better so, I am attracting males like it’s nothing and due conditioning, I thought that was what I wanted. However deep down, I wanted to attract and befriend the Queer girls around me. Of course, I didn’t know the entire dynamics of anyone’s lives but I wanted to be as confident and not give a fuck enough to be all of me again. Most of them looked like they were free to do, say, wear and be all of themselves all the time…that is what I admired most. I remember I had the biggest crush on this girl on my Volleyball team. We flirted all day, our intimacy was there, connection was crazyyyy but we both were still “in the closet”, so we never acted pass the flirting. I wanted her so bad and we’re both out now so, if you ever read this, call me BB. 😏

By Junior Year, I was confident and comfortable enough to come out, on Twitter, as Bisexual on my first pride month ever. That one tweet revealed so much…first, the love and acceptance I received being freshly out from my virtual and some friends at school. Then, I came home one day and found out somebody; idk who to this day; screenshot my tweets and sent them to my mother. Basically, outing me before I could have the conversation myself. That day, I came home to a disgusted face and a weird conversation that lead to disappointment and loneliness. The questions were passive aggressive and judgemental. The attitude was disgusted and uncomfortable. All the while, I am sitting there feeling confused and abandoned because her best friend of over 20 years is a lesbian. That experience alone, made me revert back into “boys only”…at least in front of her and that lasted until I finally left her house for college.

Now, we’re in college and baby, I’m away from home sooooooo…I became more open and fluid in my sexuality. College is where I had sex with a woman for the first time. I explored a multiple relationships with women, some sexually and others just flirting. I even, found myself in a polyamorous relationship for a little while, with a woman and a male. Now that, though short-lived and chaotic, was an experience I will never forget because it introduced me to a new desire.

Now, I wanted a husband and a wife.

Chileeeee, that polyamorous experience took me through the ringer, simply because It was another time that I experienced public scrutiny for simply being myself. When I came out and shared my throuple back in 2016, it WAS NOT as glorified as it is today. We got so many “Ewwwww’s”, “this isn’t right” and “Imma pray for you’s.” Yet behind the scenes, I’ve never felt so seen and loved by people that I actually loved in all my life. They didn’t even live by me but they were my babies and I frequently traveled to see them until we broke up. They even moved in town, we reconnected and it was more chaos but I just loved the feeling of being loved by multiple people. Nevertheless, the backlash I received made me be a little more quiet about that desire but elevated my desires for strictly dating women. So after college, dating women was my new romantic goal.

Throughout the years, I had about 3 official girlfriends but I also picked the ones who wanted to remain in the closet and ultimately, wanted to marry men. That shit discouraged me to the point that I ended up on dating apps; something I swore I would never do but I wanted to see what it was like. So I explored as a Unicorn, met a few people but nobody I was interested in until…I met my child’s father. Of course, I didn’t know that at the time but yeahhh, it was amazing. He was open to my sexuality…of course and we vibed heavy but I did learn that ultimately, he wanted monogamy so I concealed my urges…

Listennnn, I thought he was the one. Nevertheless, within a year and half, I got pregnant FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME and during my pregnancy, so much came up emotionally, mentally and spiritually, including my sexuality. I mean, it didn’t go away, I just concealed it for his comfortability. So, during some shadow work and I accepted that the urge is most definitely still here. Honestly, it’s stronger than ever, especially after my son was born…

I kept asking myself “Now that I am a mom, what I do with these STRONG urges?” and, “Can I still love women and be a mom or is this still ‘a phase’?”

but a 15 year phase? Be so fucking forreal. 😒🤣

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Today, I am two years postpartum and I am officially Queer, instead of Bisexual, because after doing everything but sign a marriage contract with a man…I can genuinely say I WANT NO PARTS! lmao but I am still figuring the rest out. I am very much still a girly girl as far as looks, I am a sensual, beautiful woman and embrace that. However, my mannerisms, my attitude and sometimes, my overall personality is more masculine and I am learning that is okay. This experience in itself has taught me that I need to show up for ALL OF ME first and simple not give a fuck about what anybody has to say or how they fucking feel about it because THIS IS MY LIFE!

Showing up for MYSELF looks like:

• Maintaining and strengthening my relationship with God.

• Being sure I am the best mother I can be.

• Speaking my truth with confidence and discernment.

• Standing ten toes on my boundaries, values and morals.

• Making sure my nervous system is regulated.

• Having a good, unapologetic gay ole’ time.

• Being sure I am ALL OF ME without giving af about what anyone has to say or how they feel about it.

Not giving af on purpose is something I am still working on because I used to be a chronic people pleaser. So much so, that I have put myself in a few near-death and other traumatic situations. Yes, I know the fault isn’t all my own and there was some conditioning to ignore my intuition and trust that someone else tells me to be truth instead. However, ultimately it’s up to me heal this shit and move forward with the scars, not bleeding. So today, I am a lot more self aware and able to catch when I am not aligned but that takes time and I would be lying if I said I didn’t have my moments.

Actually, I am currently having one of those moments…

It took me all day to write this entry because I have been getting triggered. I can hear the negative comments before I even press publish and shame keeps creeping in but the main reason for this month was to SHARE MY QUEER STORY! I done created Taste The Rainbow Ritual & Taste Your Rainbow collection, all based off my story and I was still scared to share my full truth…

TODAY THAT ENDS! I AM HERE, I AM QUEER AND I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE BITCH!

Not calling anyone here a bitch, unless you the bitch that don’t fuck with a bitch, then it is fuck you bitch lmao. Don’t take my bars 🤣

Anywho, Eye Love You Queer Black Woman. Eye See You. Welcome Home.🌹

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🎧 Her Channelled Frequency: Morning by Tey & Keh

This is one of favorite Queer songs, I wanna make us a Queer playlist but I want some input from my Stu collective. Comment some your favorites please. 🏳️‍🌈👀

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Reminders from The Stu. 🎵🌹:

• A channelled frequency is just that. So when listening think more experience, moods and senses than the artist, their dealings and backgrounds. For example, how old were you or where were when you first heard the song?

• In the Stu and in my life, “men” are males until they stop calling women “females” idc idc idc lmao.

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Studiio Souvenirs & More in The Studiio. 🔊🌹

Please only take what resonates, leave what doesn’t.

Eye Love You on Purpose, Black Woman.🌹